I get carried away.
I blame impulse, and a lack of patience. I'm certain it's now or never. Forever, and always.
An excess of enthusiasm. I'm addicted to endorphins and the abandonment of accountability.
Too bad it's only temporary.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
It's Lessons.
I can do anything, with effort.
Like perform twenty push-ups while telling you about my family's upstanding citizenry.
Or turn a casual acquaintance into a best friend. Now, when we fight, it makes my stomach hurt.
I can even wake up early to meditate on my limitless potential, and pray that your husband comforts you from beyond.
I often forget to pray for you, but when I do, I feel lucky, for the opportunity.
I've broken free from compulsive escape routes, several.
Once, I rappelled down a cliff to show my boyfriend I was stronger than he (he never respected my strength).
I used to smoke cigarettes, but I quit out of spite, to prove to a different boyfriend I was stronger than he (he respected me more than I loved myself).
My last boyfriend didn't love himself, and I knew better than to think I could make him.
I've learned to learn, instead of resist. I seek to amend for the collateral damage, the cost of my education.
I can do anything, with courage.
I can do anything, with wisdom.
It is my responsibility, and my privilege, to seek my unbreakable joy.
And when I throw rocks in protest, I'm grateful that your hand finds mine in the night.
Like perform twenty push-ups while telling you about my family's upstanding citizenry.
Or turn a casual acquaintance into a best friend. Now, when we fight, it makes my stomach hurt.
I can even wake up early to meditate on my limitless potential, and pray that your husband comforts you from beyond.
I often forget to pray for you, but when I do, I feel lucky, for the opportunity.
I've broken free from compulsive escape routes, several.
Once, I rappelled down a cliff to show my boyfriend I was stronger than he (he never respected my strength).
I used to smoke cigarettes, but I quit out of spite, to prove to a different boyfriend I was stronger than he (he respected me more than I loved myself).
My last boyfriend didn't love himself, and I knew better than to think I could make him.
I've learned to learn, instead of resist. I seek to amend for the collateral damage, the cost of my education.
I can do anything, with courage.
I can do anything, with wisdom.
It is my responsibility, and my privilege, to seek my unbreakable joy.
And when I throw rocks in protest, I'm grateful that your hand finds mine in the night.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Garbage Bags, or, Next Time Find a Kinder Container
Garbage bags. Presented to me in person or dropped at my door, they
contain a number of small personal items. A toothbrush, a travel-sized
hairdryer, a pair of socks, maybe a paperback or a magazine. Traces of
my presence, packaged like banana peels and used q-tips. Their meaning clear, the energy that created them as cold as the wind that blows in my face, when I open the door to discover them, or drag them downstairs to my car.
They succeed in transferring my old friend's anger and pain, and they sit on my kitchen floor like lumpy misshapen amends that I now owe. After a while, I cut them free from their plastic tomb, and warm them with the reassurance of home. I want to be indignant, but I accept my role. I find comfort in being home and warm. And I look for the lesson, as icicles shrink.
They succeed in transferring my old friend's anger and pain, and they sit on my kitchen floor like lumpy misshapen amends that I now owe. After a while, I cut them free from their plastic tomb, and warm them with the reassurance of home. I want to be indignant, but I accept my role. I find comfort in being home and warm. And I look for the lesson, as icicles shrink.
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